It has now been 70 days since I have given in to my addiction. This is twice as long as any other time that I can remember. What an amazing change that Abba is working in my life. I can honestly say that I have grown more in the last 10 weeks than in any other period of my life, except maybe a stretch in 2005 (I believe I was closer to God then). And yet I still feel like just a baby beginning to crawl while watching so many others run. I have so much more to learn.
Most days I am on a fairly even keel, but sometimes my world rocks terribly. I have days when I feel like more than a conqueror and days when I feel like a colossal failure, days when I understand my past is what shaped me into the man I am today and days when regret is too close and too bitter to handle. There are moments when my being single produces a feeling of loneliness like a lead blanket wrapped around my shoulders, as if I was on a desert island. Other days I could not be happier with this season of my life and the prospect of what Abba is doing.
I have begun to understand what it means to be a friend of God's and of others. I still struggle with understanding and allowing myself to feel things emotionally, though, which is one of the pitfalls of pornography. I trust that Abba knows what He is doing and where He is taking me (most days) although I cannot see it myself. There are times when I wish He would show my everything He is doing and other times when what I see already scares me to death. But I like it because I am beginning to understand at least a little of my purpose.
My eyes have been opened to things in the last couple of months that I never dreamed. Emotional walls and stereotypes that I never knew I had. Truths that I have heard for years that I am seeing from a new perspective have shaken my beliefs and ideas about many things, including church, purity, relationships, pride, possessions and faith. I know without a doubt that right now I am exactly where Jesus wants me to be. I know that there is an incredible journey laid out before me, though I am not sure yet of anything except the destination. I want more than ever before to run the race set before me, cross the finish line, throw my rewards at Jesus' feet, and wrap him in a hug as I enter into the presence of my Savior, Redeemer, and Friend. To Him be glory forever and ever, Amen.
Most days I am on a fairly even keel, but sometimes my world rocks terribly. I have days when I feel like more than a conqueror and days when I feel like a colossal failure, days when I understand my past is what shaped me into the man I am today and days when regret is too close and too bitter to handle. There are moments when my being single produces a feeling of loneliness like a lead blanket wrapped around my shoulders, as if I was on a desert island. Other days I could not be happier with this season of my life and the prospect of what Abba is doing.
I have begun to understand what it means to be a friend of God's and of others. I still struggle with understanding and allowing myself to feel things emotionally, though, which is one of the pitfalls of pornography. I trust that Abba knows what He is doing and where He is taking me (most days) although I cannot see it myself. There are times when I wish He would show my everything He is doing and other times when what I see already scares me to death. But I like it because I am beginning to understand at least a little of my purpose.
My eyes have been opened to things in the last couple of months that I never dreamed. Emotional walls and stereotypes that I never knew I had. Truths that I have heard for years that I am seeing from a new perspective have shaken my beliefs and ideas about many things, including church, purity, relationships, pride, possessions and faith. I know without a doubt that right now I am exactly where Jesus wants me to be. I know that there is an incredible journey laid out before me, though I am not sure yet of anything except the destination. I want more than ever before to run the race set before me, cross the finish line, throw my rewards at Jesus' feet, and wrap him in a hug as I enter into the presence of my Savior, Redeemer, and Friend. To Him be glory forever and ever, Amen.
PTL for staying the journey and learning from Daddy as you go! I praise our Lord for your growth and perseverance as you become more Christ-like in your life!
ReplyDeleteWayne,
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me, yet you know me in a deep and sincere way, that old expression "takes one to know one" could explain. I celebrated my 2nd 2 year birthday of sobriety on Dec 2nd 2011. I have been walking this path for 4.5 years now, and am excited as I venture into my 1st 3rd year...I have not put a drug in my body since June of 2007, and had a slip n fall with alcohol, hence the 2nd 2 year mark. I am proud of you, and your openness about where you are on this path and in your journey. No matter how tough life seems at times, Never give up. My eyes have also been opened to a way of life and happiness I never dreamed possible. If ever you need a friend or slip off your path, Reach out your hand! Someone somewhere will grab it and help you back up. You have to reach out though...or they won't know where to find you :)
You have a friend in me, that has walked your path and continues to trudge along day by day.
Courtney