Twice As Far As Ever Before.

It has now been 70 days since I have given in to my addiction. This is twice as long as any other time that I can remember. What an amazing change that Abba is working in my life. I can honestly say that I have grown more in the last 10 weeks than in any other period of my life, except maybe a stretch in 2005 (I believe I was closer to God then). And yet I still feel like just a baby beginning to crawl while watching so many others run. I have so much more to learn. 

Most days I am on a fairly even keel, but sometimes my world rocks terribly. I have days when I feel like more than a conqueror and days when I feel like a colossal failure, days when I understand my past is what shaped me into the man I am today and days when regret is too close and too bitter to handle. There are moments when my being single produces a feeling of loneliness like a lead blanket wrapped around my shoulders, as if I was on a desert island. Other days I could not be happier with this season of my life and the prospect of what Abba is doing.

I have begun to understand what it means to be a friend of God's and of others. I still struggle with understanding and allowing myself to feel things emotionally, though, which is one of the pitfalls of pornography. I trust that Abba knows what He is doing and where He is taking me (most days) although I cannot see it myself. There are times when I wish He would show my everything He is doing and other times when what I see already scares me to death. But I like it because I am beginning to understand at least a little of my purpose.

My eyes have been opened to things in the last couple of months that I never dreamed. Emotional walls and stereotypes that I never knew I had. Truths that I have heard for years that I am seeing from a new perspective have shaken my beliefs and ideas about many things, including church, purity, relationships, pride, possessions and faith. I know without a doubt that right now I am exactly where Jesus wants me to be. I know that there is an incredible journey laid out before me, though I am not sure yet of anything except the destination. I want more than ever before to run the race set before me, cross the finish line, throw my rewards at Jesus' feet, and wrap him in a hug as I enter into the presence of my Savior, Redeemer, and Friend. To Him be glory forever and ever, Amen.

Faith like a child

I was thinking the other day as I walked around the complex where I live about child like faith or faith like a child. I have heard that phrase a good many times in my life but had never really been able to put a mental picture to it, I know I'm slow! Then the Lord brought the idea to mind that there is no greater time of year to understand child like faith. It is so simple that I am amazed I didn't see it sooner.

The best description of child like faith that I have personally ever seen is this--when you tell a little child that an over-sized elf in a red suit will ride around the entire world in one night on a sleigh filled with toys pulled by magical flying reindeer and if they have been good he will come down the chimney and fill their stockings...and they say "Really, I want Santa Clause to come to my house and bring me a toy!"

Most children buy into it 100% without a shred of doubt or hesitation! Why? Because someone who loves and cares for them told them that it was so. Almost everyone of us believed in Santa while we were growing up. And we only stopped believing because we came to understand that there was absolutely no proof or possibility that he could exist and do what it is said that he does. Yet, as an adult, when the Creator God who is all-knowing, all-powerful, all-loving, who cares for every minute detail of our life and has proven himself over and over again, tells us something, we either refuse to believe him or we want proof.

What Abba Father, Papa God, our Heavenly Father wants more than almost anything is for us to trust him with the faith that we all too often reserve for fictional characters or other frail, imperfect human beings. Things and persons who will always let us down. But when we take that child like Santa faith and trust our Maker with it, our faith is rewarded, supported, and honored for no better reason than it pleases him when we put our faith in him and take him at his word.

Romans 14:23 ...and everything that does not come from faith is sin.
Hebrews 11.6 And without faith it is impossible to please God...

LOVE OR LIKE

LOVE is unconditional, LIKE is conditional. Love puts no importance in what someone else says or does. In fact, true love will cause us to reach out to someone even while we are being hurt, while like makes us walk away from someone who may be hurting because they do or say something we do not like.

I write this, as I do most things, because it is what God is teaching me. Moreover, I must confess this is not a lesson that I thought I needed to learn. Oh was I wrong. I was condemning someone who abandoned and hurt me while at the same time considering abandoning them for what they had done. Can you say hypocrite? As I pondered whether I wanted to give that person another chance because of what they had done, God hit me with the realization that in thinking like that I was doing to them the very same thing that I was mad at them for doing to me.

Can you imagine the number of Bible verses and commands that came flooding into my mind? The first, ironically enough, was one that I thought I needed to post on the bulletin board at work. For, of course, I thought that others needed to see this verse. It is Colossians 3:13 and I have personalized the pronouns so I guess you could call this the Me Edition (ME)…

                I must make allowance for other’s faults and forgive the person who offends me. Remember, the LORD forgave me, so I must forgive them.

How humbling it was to have a verse written out on a 3 x 5 card to memorize, share and be ready to hit others with, only to have the Holy Spirit hit me between the eyes with it. I had read that verse to myself practically every day for weeks. I guess that goes to show you how hard headed I am. Sometimes it really does take forever for things to sink in.

Jesus told Peter that we should forgive another, not up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven (Matthew 18:22). How often do those of us who call ourselves followers of Christ, me included, throw away relationships, friendships, marriages, etc., because we are offended, hurt, misused, or otherwise treated badly just once? Shame on me and the rest of you who, like me, have failed to do what Christ has commanded.

God loves us even when we are his enemy (Romans 5:10) and commands us repeatedly to do the same (Matthew 5.44, Romans 12:14, 1 Peter 3:9, et. al.) So if we are told to forgive our enemies, how much more should we forgive our brothers and sisters in Christ, our relatives, our friends, our mates? I have seen it repeatedly in churches and so-called Christian relationships where a person commits a sin and is immediately judged not worthy to be a part of that church or relationship any more. How sad it must make Papa God to see us so hurt those who need us the most. I find nowhere in the scriptures where we are told to exile or otherwise end a relationship based on a single offense. Even multiple offenses are to be handled with the intent to restore the fallen, not throw them away.

Therefore, now that I have said all that, I come full circle, and offer my most humble apology to anyone whom I have so treated or even thought about treating that way. I pray that I will learn what it means to love without conditions and without judgment so that I may shine with the love of Jesus for others to see. I pray that you too will offer forgiveness to those whom you have conditionally loved so that you might be an example to all the world of what true Christian love is.

Intro

This bog is intended to show how Jesus Christ's restorative grace and mercy can bring an addict into recovery and take the hurts, habits, and hangups of a rescued soul, heal him and use him for God's awesome glory.

Hi, my name is Wayne, I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ, and I struggle with pornography, sexual addiction and lust. This is my story of recovery and I give all the credit, praise and honor to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.